I translate ego to literally be “the self”. And I can say I have definitely been a victim of my ego in the past. For me, my ego was what made a lot of my time in high school bitter. As I now look back, it created an unhealthy belief in my own importance. It was that pettish child inside me that always wanted to get my way over anything or anyone else. The person inside me that absolutely needed to be better than, greater than, more than, anybody else in the room. Here’s why I think that was a bad thing…
When we have ego, we take every feedback, even feedback coming from people’s best interests, as an “attack”. As a result, we are never able to collect necessary feedback to grow. And what happens then? Can we really work with people if we put up walls? Can we really move ahead if we’re always uninterested in hearing from external sources? In a way, ego causes us to exaggerate our strengths while underestimating the amount of effort and skill required to achieve our goals. That’s almost losing touch with reality, no?
Ego also makes us assume that we “deserve” some outcome – always. For instance, I bought a gift for my friend and hence she should always be loyal to me. Sadly, we don’t always get what we deserve. It can be frustrating, but ego often creates entitlement and ridiculous expectations that the world won’t always fulfill for us.
The last, yet most important thing. Ego made me depend on external validation – a little too often and a little too much. It’s ironic how our sense of self, AKA ego, resents to hear and take in criticism from others, yet when it comes to external validation, it craves it in order to feel satisfied. An example would be: If I achieve a good score, I need to be recognized and praised for it.
All in all, I feel like ego definitely helps us build our confidence. However, it can also reach a point of completely destroying us. Having said that, imagine how much more open to new ideas and how much more fulfilling and wholesome our relationships with others can be if we learn to balance and manage our ego?
Today’s world is difficult. And crazy. It is hard enough to find true happiness. What happens when we add in another person’s ideals about how we should live our lives or what defines our success? We feel exhausted, no?
The good news is that it is in our hands to break out of this nasty cycle. If there is one thing I’ve learnt, it is that our values are not determined based on external validation (other people’s approval of us).
I was once travelling to a different country and wanted to buy all my friends back home some souvenirs. I remember trying to search for a special gift for one of my special friends. I went from shop to shop looking for something they’d like with the temperature around me being 1°C. I was cold! And aching. But yet I never stopped looking until I eventually found a perfect present I knew would bring a smile to my friend’s face. When it came to giving the gift, however, my friend never appreciated it. For the next few days, I felt disheartened. That is until I realised that our value is inherent and not determined based on the way people treat us. I got the gifts with love and kindness in my heart – only I know that. Can I really control what happens after?
At the end of the day, we don’t have to prove anything to anyone. If you are someone who went out of their way to do something good for someone, but they didn’t notice it, you haven’t lost anything. You know why? Because no matter how the universe treats us, our values are what make us who we are. And values are what define our purpose. This is when we develop our own “personal truth”, after which the opinions of others stop mattering.
Voltaire, the extraordinary French writer, once claimed: “Perfect is the enemy of good”. Strange, huh?
I agree with him. When I reflect on my life so far, I notice how perfection has never been as interesting as imperfection. My flaws, rough edges, weaknesses, on the other hand, have been… memorable.
I used to think that I could change the entire world if I wanted to, let alone people and their feelings towards me. I wanted to be the best at everything and at every time. For me, 2 + 2 always had to equal 4. I lived my life like a rule book, and anything that went another way would frustrate me to the core. However, overtime I realised that I, nor the world, can ever be perfect. Sometimes others let us down, sometimes we let others down. And that is okay. That is perfectly normal. Leaving the idea of perfection behind makes us adaptable to live in this world which is often as unfair to us as it is fair.
Imperfections also make us accept our human frailty. When I was writing my book during the 2020 pandemic, I found it incredibly freeing to tell myself at the end of a chapter, “This is fine. I think I’m done with that part.” Once we realise that perfection is a destination where we’ll never truly arrive, we begin to accept that our work will never be a 100%, and we learn to find peace with the best we can do.
High standards are fine, but unrealistically high standards make us miserable. You, like me, may therefore find that the motto, “Aim for excellence, not perfection,” can remind us to do our best without the anxiety and frustration that accompanies a perfectionist mindset. We don’t always have to “deal” with our imperfections, but rather look at them through a different light. At the end of the day, imperfections make life beautiful. So beautiful.
Jealousy. I have touched on this topic before but feel an unsettling urge to dwell on it a little deeper. Recently, I have been jealous of someone at school, for reasons we can talk about later, but the point is: it turned me into a green-eyed monster!
I despise this feeling. Every bit of it. But I can’t help but envy her. As I analyze this emotion, there is one thing that becomes clear…
We live in the age of envy. Human beings have always felt what Aristotle defined in the fourth century BC as pain at the sight of another’s good fortune, stirred by “those who have what we ought to have”. It is true, I feel innately uncomfortable about this girl’s great accomplishments even though I don’t want to feel this way one bit.
However, I recently came across the Growth Mindset. When we have a growth mindset, we look at the success of others and ask: what would it take for me to attain something similar? How am I going to be able to achieve this too? What would I have to do or learn? We are enabled to think about what we truly want. As a result, we can actually end up using jealousy as a resource, and can always make a plan to get there. This person’s accomplishments have reminded me of the fact that every person is on their own path of growth and success, and made me look a little deeper into constructing my own aims and goals. I may not be a person who gets things right the first time. But over time, I know I try hard to get there.
While I don’t think there is an instant cure for jealousy, I do think we can accept that this disruptive emotion is normal. When we accept, jealousy can uncover areas of our lives that need attention and improvement. Lastly, we may not have everything we want in life. Most of us don’t. But we probably have at least some of what we want, and that should never be disparaged. It is our differences that make us unique after all!
I remember one day I got back home from school. That day was quite bitter, it was one of those days where I wanted to wrap myself with a blanket like a burrito and never face the world (people)…at least for a few hours 😅.
We may often feel like we need other people to appreciate us in order to feel whole. When I help someone at school and that person doesn’t appreciate what I do as much as they should (or they don’t treat me with the same level of respect), those feelings often bring out the worst in me. However, are they supposed to? Can I ever control that? Why does it matter? What does that say about me?
I stumbled upon a saying: “What we are inside, reflects on the outside”.
Firstly, we cannot expect others to accept or love us if we cannot not accept, love, and respect ourselves. It’s only once we build this confidence within us that we are more likely to maintain healthy relationships with people around.
Secondly, in its simplest form, respecting ourself also means accepting ‘fully’ the person we are. This means learning to accept all the good and all the bad that make us who we are. As a result, we love ourselves enough to realise that not every relationship we form with the people we meet every day is worth it. We can then choose the ones that make us happy, motivating us to grow, as well as let go off the ones that make us worse off.
Practices like yoga or even deep breathing have further helped me gain this self awareness. When we learn our worth, know our value, and advocate for ourselves as needed, that is when we truly come to respect ourselves.
Wrapping up 2021, here are some reflections and 4 big learnings from this year:
Life is way too short to dream small. Walt Disney famously said that all our dreams can come true if we have the courage to pursue them. When we dream big about the person we wish to become, we may actually end up surprising ourselves. Until we do, we have no idea what we’re capable of. Writing a book has been one of the most enriching experiences I have endured so far, and having Teenage Chronicles published makes me feel tremendously grateful. People may have their opinions, and circumstances may occasionally be hard. But if you’re on to something big, carry it out with pride. Dream big because no one else is daring to!
Love people more than they deserve. You never know how much time you have left with someone. So if you appreciate someone in your life, let them know you care. In Tuesdays with Morrie, Morrie agrees that love stands as the only act that gives life meaning. In the end, not all relationships will remain within our control as some naturally fade away. It’s the memories we make with the people we love that matter. Make loads, so that you can treasure them forever.
Take risks. Sometimes it is okay to push yourself outside your comfort zone. Skydiving has been an experience that will always be etched in my memories. I overcame my fear of speed and heights (and also felt like Superwoman 🙈). Some of the other brave things I did this year is public speaking for an “Encourage a Young Writer Day”event, riding really fast on my horse Jack, and walking away from something that hurt me. I also tried my first OYSTER this Christmas.
Have an open mind. My travel journies this year have taught me to be appreciative of all cultures. Having an open mind helps us form harmonious relationships with whoever we meet, and there are so many things I learned from others who look and live quite differently from me. Anyone who has ever been to Serbia would agree that kindness defines the “Serbs”. You can talk to anyone on the street and they will gladly help you with a warm smile. Kindness is indeed magic, right?
On that note, I wish you a Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, and a blissful New Year to come. Less bitter, more glitter!
UAE had its national holidays for 4 days this December, so my family and I decided to travel to Armenia – a city of endless charms. Armenia has a rich culture and history, and the two places I visited: Yerevan (the capital city) and Tsaghkadzor (a town) completely have my heart!
In Yerevan, this time of the year is fall, so it was lovely seeing maple leaves everywhere. The last time I experienced fall was in Boston, so the comforting aura of the amber leaves falling off every tree made it extremely peaceful and enchanting.
My tour guide Rosiana was the sweetest soul, and I already miss her. She made us try the most divine Armenian food and showed us around the city’s main attractions.
Then we headed to Tsaghkadzor, a wintery wonderland. I think I might have celebrated an early Christmas with the gorgeous pine trees and slushy snow!
We also saw the Temple of Garni which was built to the sun god Mithra (Mihr), who is referred to as the deity of light and truth in ancient Armenian mythology. As well as the Symphony of Stones which is a majestic natural monument formed as a result of the collapse of volcanic rocks.
A short summary video (of Yerevan):
As always, travelling is one of the most beautiful ways to grow, experience, and enjoy. I am incredibly grateful for this trip, lots to see and learn!
Theodore Roosevelt famously said, “believe you can and you’re halfway there”.
Self confidence is all about trusting our abilities and believing that we can do what we set our minds to. I’d say I am quite an ambitious person and am grateful for all my achievements – big or small. However, self-belief is also about thinking that our ideas, feelings, and opinions have worth. Here, I find that I often lack belief in my intelligence and always seem to worry about receiving validation and encouragement from other people.
A couple of days ago at school, in English class, we were talking about current global issues. And my teacher said how veganism is the next “global issue” and how it is completely pointless and stupid. This man had zero respect for people like me who are trying to make a lifestyle change – even though I’m not entirely vegan, I hold an incredible amount of respect for people who are. I think it wasn’t okay for him to be so disrespectful, leaving love and ethics aside. I believe that animal agriculture is having a huge impact on our planet and no teacher should shame someone’s lifestyle like that for whatever reasons they may hold. All day after, I kept wondering why I couldn’t take a stand and voice my opinion. And one of the biggest reasons is that I was in a class full of non-vegetarians who would most certainly attack me if I said anything.
Believing in ourselves affects everything we do. And like everything else in life, it all starts with our mindset – the conversations we have with ourselves and the messages we choose to believe in. If we are not confident enough, we will break like a twig the first time we are placed in an uncomfortable situation. But here’s the truth – there will always be several obstacles that will cast doubt on our competences. The only way to get through them is to believe in ourselves. This self-assurance stems from within, when you find your inner strength and take the leap when you need to. I only wish I had!